princess_schez (princess_schez) wrote,

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Fic: A Death Eater Handbook

[x]Title: A Death Eater Handbook
[x]Author: Me
[x]Rating: PG-13 thru PG-15 for mild language and slight innuendo
[x]Summary: Do you have what it takes to be a Death Eater? In these "short" guidelines written by the Dark Lord himself, you'll find out all the do's and don't's and other info of being a Death Eather in Voldemort's service....

A Death Eater Handbook


Welcome fellow and future minions. I am Lord Voldemort, unquestionable lord and master of the universe... or soon to be, anyhow. There are some basic rules and regulations we need to go over before you can claim loyal, eternal, and unwavering servitude to me. Not only will this will serve as a brief once-over on my regulations, but A) it willl serve as a reminder for my current Death Eaters, who have decided that my short set of rules are apparently meant to be broken, and to save on paper (conservation is important) B) it will also list any updates/announcements I feel are necessary.

1. You MAY NOT call me Tom, the Voldster, Voldie-poo, or my personal favorite, Moldyshorts. Any infringements on this rule will result in the accused being whipped - preferably while naked - with wet towels. If I am in a particularly foul mood, I will kill the accused. (And I WILL know if you call me those names in private. Do not forget that I am an accomplished Occlumens.)

2. There is to be no questioning my motives or ideas. My word is law, and you will do as I say if you value your life. End of story.

3. If anytime you wish to leave my service, there will be a small payment request. Preferably your life.

4. Standard Death Eater outfits are plain black robes. If I should hear even a slight whisper of the words "Queer Eye for the Wizard Guy" and notice a change in our outfits, there will be hell to pay for those involved. We are here to take over the world and spread darkness, not overthrow the world with our fashion sense.

5. Nagini is a "nice" girl. Any inappropriate behavior with her will result in immediate - and painful - death.

6. I am not interested in love or romance, so don't try to get me drunk and have "your way" with me. (This means you, Bellatrix.)

7. If I give you a seemingly innocent object, you will treat said object with reverence, guard it with your life, and NOT THROW IT IN - JUST AS A FOR INSTANCE - THE CAULDRON OF AN UNSUSPECTING PERSON. There will be no "mistakes." (This means you, Lucius.)

8. I have been told my wrath is something quite horrible to behold. If you wish to avoid facing such a thing, I will repeat rules two and seven.

9. I am to be worshipped as the Lord that I am. No questions asked. For those of you with a more perverted mind (*cough*BELLATRIX*cough*), even the... uh... "Voldybits" are considered items of worship. But do not expect me to go flaunting them in public, for I do not wish to walk around naked. Capisce?

10. I accept no cowards in my humble group. If you are too wussy to kill people (especially defenseless old geezers who are high on poisonous potions), do not bother showing up for work the next day. Come to my office where I shall kill reprimand you. (I'll be waiting for you, Draco.)

11. Any time the names 'Potter,' 'Weasley,' 'Granger,' or 'Order of the Phoenix' are mentioned, I expect them to be met with a lot of grumbling and/or cuss words. Your choice.

12. Causal Fridays are not - and I repeat - NOT - meant for going to work without underwear. I simply cannot stress enough the importance of wearing underwear under one's robes. I absolutely do not support the "unfurnished basement" argument. (Sorry, Wormtail.)

13. My official birthday is December 31 and my rebirthday is June 24. I expect cake and gifts, and lots of them on both of those days. Nobody understands the agony of growing up in an orphanage where not a soul remembered your birthday. Therefore, I am making up for it now. (Screw you, Mrs. Cole.) Do note that any birthday and rebirthday gifts you wish to lavish upon me with must fall under either the death, macabre, or goth category. Please note my favorite color is black. Oh, and throwing me a Care Bears theme party will only secure your future in having your soul sucked out by a Dementor.

14. Giving the finger to your enemies is something I highly encourage. It's even better if you do it before you kill said enemies so their last memory is a memorable one.

15. I also encourage dating among our single members, but please for all that is evil in this universe, DO NOT bring your personal problems to work. I simply will not tolerate this. However, you can share any juicy details with me after-hours. My ears are always open to gossip.

16. Morsmordre is not a spell to be played with. It's a highly advanced spell used to alert fellow Death Eaters. Any infringements will resolve in me sending the Morsmordre spell up your... As I was saying... *cough*

17. The Dark Mark is not a mere Muggle tattoo; it is a magical alerting system. So don't go showing it off to all your non-Death Eater friends. We are here to work in secrecy, people! Not to mention that I will NOT tattoo the Dark Mark onto any body parts other than your left forearm.... You sick, perverse people...

18. Constantly popping into my room late at night while I am trying to get my beauty sleep is not something I consider a "fun activity." On the contrary, such behavior will result in me giving you forty whacks with Sectumsempra....

19. I am an accomplished Occlumens and Legilimens, so trying to sneak a peek at my glorious teenage years will only prove futile.

20. We will no longer serve alcohol at our annual "Death Eater Family and Friends" barbecue get-together. I don't think anyone will ever quite forget last year's debacle.... Eleven drunken Dementors, you do the math.

21. I can always tell when people lie to me (call it a sixth sense), so it's best to be honest with me even if what you have to tell me earns you a round of Crucio's on the arse, down the block and back again....

22. I'm afraid I will not accept anyone into my humble little group who bears the initials R.A.B. We had some problems with the last one who was employed in my service....

23. Rock, paper, scissors is not the best way to go about deciding something. Trust me. I speak from experience. Anyone remember the Godric's Hallow incident? Yes, I thought so.

24. Severus is not to be "bothered" in any way. Damn those Potter Puppet Pals....

25. Speaking of Potter Puppet Pals, we do NOT, and will never, celebrate "Naked Time." Seeing that naked Dumbledore has given me more than my fair share of nightmares. *shudders*

26. It is highly advised to stay away from Fenrir Greyback during that certain time of the month when he gets a little hairier than normal. He gets as irritable as Bellatrix during PMS.... Oh, and if you love your children, I highly advise you to keep them away from him at all times.

27. There is to be no mocking of my lack of hair... or else. Bald is beautiful.

28. Just because I have red, glowing eyes does NOT mean I am drunk or high on anything.

29. Anyone who finds it amusing to paint black Harry Potter style glasses and lightning bolt scars on me while napping will find out just how painful it is when flung by a mountain troll off a ravine.

30. Sorry to disappoint my female members, but the proper spelling of my precious soul-holding objects is H-O-R-C-R-U-X, not W-H-O-R-E-C-R-U-X.

31. I know this is hard for some of you to believe, but I still have not reached self-actualization yet. In addition, any taunting about this will result in me mocking you unlike anything you have ever seen before.

32. I will not tolerate anyone painting, applying glitter, or doing any other kind of defacement to their Death Eater masks. It is hard to incite fear in people when they are staring down someone in a friggin' sparkly pink mask.

33. Whenever I talk about my dear mother, any banjo music, or references to "slack-jawed yokels," will result in immediate Avada Kedavra-ing.

34. I simply hate being asked stupid questions. Therefore, I will just come right out and say it: Yes, I do wear underwear under my robe, and I advise you all to do the same. (Read rule twelve.) In addition, there is to be no asking if I am still a virgin.

35. Personal hygiene is an absolute must! There is nothing more horrendous than knocking out half the Death Eater circle by merely lifting one's arms on a hot summer day.

36. To keep our hiding place (the Riddle mansion), a secret from the Order's ears, we always refer to it as "the 'hood." Fo shizzle?

37. Every person we kill puts us that much closer to achieving our ultimate goal (besides killing Potter)... going to Disneyland!

Now that I have imparted some of my wisdom, I require some information from any prospective minions. If you are under legal wizarding age, I advise you to get your parents' permission before signing this in blood.

(Circle your blood status): Pureblood, Half-blood
(Sex. Please resist the temptation to pick more than one): M F Yes, please.
(Year of Hogwarts Graduation):
(House Affiliation):
(Wand type and size. No, not that "wand"):
(In your own words, describe how you feel [i.e., hate] about Muggles and Mudbloods, and why you wish to serve me for all eternity):

When you have properly read and understood the rules and filled out the form with (correct) information, owl it to me at the following address:

Lord Voldemort
4426 Gellandie Road
Little Hangleton, England

P.S. It takes time to sort through these forms. Don't bother sending another one in. Remember... don't call us, we'll call you.

Yeah... just a little something that popped into my head one day and decided to write... ;-)
Tags: fan fic, fanfic, hp fanfic

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